The Accident
by 741N73D 4N63L
Summary: JJ's family is in an accident. Companion piece, read PREQUEL, to Black Cat. A series of five one-shots.
1. February

AN: This is a companion piece to Black Cat so you should probably read that before you read this.

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds, nor do I own Alice's Adventures in Wonderland or Snow Patrol.

To think I might not see those eyes

Makes it so hard not to cry

And as we say our long goodbyes

I nearly do.

- Snow Patrol, Run

February 2005:

"Aww mama do I have to wear that helmet? It's pink and it has sparkles! I'm fourteen, not six!" I complained to my mama.

"You will wear it not just because I bought it for you, but because you have hockey practice in an hour and it was the only goalie helmet left." She scowled at me. "Besides, you're the one who cracked the last one fooling around."

"Mama I told you, it was Michael Wesson who stomped on my helmet, not me. I don't weigh nearly enough to crack it," I whined.

"Catherine Jareau do not argue with your mother. Grab your hockey bag and bring it out to the car. We need to leave in two minutes," said my father in his most authoritative voice.

My reply was a quiet, sullen, "Yes daddy."

Practice was brutal; my team was getting ready for the playoffs. I was so tired and sore that after I showered and changed into normal clothes I couldn't even be bothered to argue when my daddy put that atrocious helmet back onto my head with a silly grin on his face. My daddy helped me climb into the backseat of the car, behind my mama. My fingers felt like lead and so my daddy also buckled my seat-belt. He climbed into the driver's seat and leaned over towards my mama; I looked away until he was finished kissing her. Then my daddy drove out of the parking lot slowly because it was snowing heavily. Mama was fiddling with the radio, trying to find a news station.

I was resting my eyes, mostly asleep, but the drive home from the arena was so familiar that I knew exactly where we were. There is a turn coming up to get on the highway and then its only another fifteen minutes 'til we get home and I can go to bed. There was a bright light and I groaned and opened my eyes, shading them from the annoying high beams of the truck coming towards us. Wait a minute, truck! Why was there a truck in our lane? My sleep-addled brain couldn't process what was happening.

Mama screamed and my daddy, swearing like a sailor, swerved, trying to get out of the way of the truck. The truck also swerved on the icy highway and we couldn't get out of the way. The cab hit the front of our small car with a loud crunch. My daddy stopped swearing but my mama didn't stop screaming, as our car flipped over and rolled off the highway down into the ditch. My head hit the window a few times as we rolled. The car landed upside-down. I felt my ribs groan and a few give out, I cried out in pain. My body felt like it was on fire, everything hurt. When I looked at my leg, it took all of my concentration not to throw up or panic: there was a bone sticking out of my leg. I blacked out.

Someone must have called 911. I sure didn't and neither did my mama nor my daddy. The paramedics checked on my daddy first. I couldn't understand why they weren't helping him; his head was covered in blood. Then they checked on my mama. She was pinned down by something that I couldn't see. The medics removed my half-conscious body on a backboard from the wreckage first. I could see someone getting into the car behind my mama, where I had just been; they were putting a collar around her neck. I kept calling out for her, hoping she would respond.

The ride in the ambulance was confusing; the paramedics kept asking me questions and I was too tired to answer them. Someone started cutting my sweatpants at my ankle and I started panicking, thrashing about and that just made the pain in my leg worse, but I couldn't calm down. Rational thought was in no way present in my head. The medics must have sedated me because that was the last thing I remember from the ambulance.

When I woke up in the hospital, I was just as panicked as I had been in the ambulance. I didn't know where I was and I started hyperventilating. A nurse came in and tried to get me to calm down. Her first mistake was grabbing me; I shrieked. Her second mistake was calling for the male orderlies to come help her. I have no idea how I got out of bed, but I did and I made it all the way over to the corner of the room, behind the chair and the bedside table. The people in the room with me were making my panic attack worse and I don't think they knew it. I managed to call out for Jen; my voice was frail and pitiful even to my own ears. She didn't appear and I started panicking even more. I curled up into a ball and covered my head with my arms. I don't know how long I sat like that. The orderlies tried to move the chair, which was bolted down, to get to me but I started crying and they backed off a bit. They stayed, hovering about in the room; it did not help me calm down.

I heard someone else come into the room and the orderlies and nurse leaving. I could hear raised, angry voices out in the hallway. I risked inciting further panic by looking up, but it was Jen. Her eyes were bloodshot and puffy; she looked like she had been crying. She was holding my sparkly pink helmet in her hands. I took my eyes off her for a split second, risking a look through the glass wall behind my sister. I wanted to see who was shouting. It was my sister's boss Aaron Hotchner. My sharp intake of breath caught Jen's attention; she looked at me just as I looked back at her. Our eyes locked and she put the helmet down one the hospital bed, keeping her hands open and in my line of sight. She approached me cautiously, the same way one would approach a scared or wounded animal.

"Hey Kitty Cat," her voice cracked, "I heard you were calling for me."

"Jenny," I said, my voice sounded broken. "Where's mama? Where's daddy? Why aren't they here? Where is here?" She started crying and I looked at her with confusion written all over my face. I struggled to get the words out again, "Jenny, where's mama?"

She cut me off, "Kitty Cat."

I looked at her expectantly.

Her face crumpled. "Come out from back there and we can talk."

I shook my head emphatically.

"Please?" she whispered brokenly to me. "Please come out."

"I can't get up," I whispered back.

She laughed then said, "Can I come over there and help you get up?"

I took a deep breath and nodded, placing my limited and extremely exhausted trust in my big sister. The pounding in my head was getting worse.

Jen helped me to stand and then we were stuck because there wasn't enough space for me to fit between the chair and the bedside table. Jen let out a weak laugh, "How did you get yourself back there?"

"I don't know," I replied, my breathing speeding up. "I can't remember, Jen, I can't remember."

"Shh!" she said, "it's going to be okay Kitty Cat. Do you think you can stand on your own for a minute, I'll go get Derek to lift you up okay?"

"No!" I cried out. "Don't leave!"

"Okay," she placated me, "I won't leave, but I'm going to have to call out to him. Are you ready?"

I shook my head no.

She looked at me hard and using her mom voice said, "Catherine you need to come out from behind the chair and I can't lift you and you can't get out by yourself. We need Derek."

I looked away and nodded yes once.

"Morgan!" Jen called out.

His head came around the corner, "What is it JJ?"

"Can you help me get Catherine out from behind the chair please?" exasperation was evident in her voice.

He laughed, looked at me and asked, "How did you do that Princess?"

I kept my head down in embarrassment, not looking at his face.

Derek came closer slowly with his hands in view. When he was close enough he told me what he was going to do before he did it. I don't think I had ever been so grateful that Jen's team knew me so well before. Derek lifted me up and over the side table. Then he sat me down on the bed and backed up slowly towards the door. I could see Spence, Aaron and Jason on the other side of the glass window. I looked away from the team and at my sister.

"Jen," I started again, as she was getting me back under the blankets and reattaching the monitors.

She sat down on the bed next to me. "You're in the hospital Kitty Cat."

"I know that now, Jen," I answered back then quickly asked, "Where are mama and daddy?"

Jen took a deep breath looked me in the eyes and said, "There was an accident Catherine. Mama and daddy died."

"You're lying!" I spat at her furiously. "They're not dead. You shouldn't be making a joke like that Jen; it's cruel."

She started crying, "I'm not lying Catherine."

"You have to be," I said with conviction. "You have to be lying. They're not allowed to die."

Jen's chuckle was weak. "I don't think you're the one who gets to decide who lives and dies Kitty Cat."

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the team with their backs to the window, blocking passersby from view. Privacy? I though, hmm, I frowned and suddenly it clicked. The team wouldn't be here if something horrible hadn't happened. "You weren't lying…" I said and started to cry.

Jen climbed further up onto the bed and wrapped her arms around me. With my head buried in her shoulder, she started crying quietly.

When our tears subsided, Jen said, "You were unconscious for a long time. The sedatives wore off and you didn't wake up. I was scared that I might lose you too."

"From four to three back up to four and now down to two," I said morbidly.

"Don't talk like that," she scolded me.

"Where am I going to go now Jen?" I asked.

"Well you need to stay here for a few weeks kiddo. Your leg was broken pretty badly and you have a concussion and a few fractured ribs." She hedged.

"I meant after that and you know it Jen." I frowned at her.

"You could come live with me," she offered. "Or you could live with Aunt Charlotte and Tanya."

"No way. I'm not living with Tanya, she hates me, and Aunt Charlotte thinks I'm a baby."

"Catherine," she said, using her mom voice again.

"It's true Jen and you know it. I want to live with you," I said.

"We won't know anything until mama and daddy's will is read." She hedged again. "Try and get some sleep okay?"

"Don't leave me!" I begged, tightening my grip on her hand

"It's okay; I'm not leaving. I'm just going to call the rest of the team in."

"Please don't, not yet," I pleaded.

She looked at me, "Catherine, I can either call them in now or I can go out to talk to them and then come back."

"Can I pretend I'm asleep when you call them in?" I asked.

She smiled at me, kissed the top of my head and said, "Of course Kitty Cat."

Jen reached over, tapped on the window, and motioned the team to come in. I kept my eyes open just a sliver so I could see where everyone was standing. Spencer sat down on the chair closest to the bed. Derek sat in the other chair halfway across the room. Aaron stood at the end of the bed and Jason closed the door and leaned against it. The room was quiet except for the sounds of breathing and the steady beeping of the machines monitoring my vitals.

Aaron spoke first with a measured tone, "The staff didn't bother looking into Catherine's previous medical history before she woke up. That oversight has since been corrected."

Spencer piped up, "Yeah, Hotch really gave it to them good."

I could feel Jen laughing.

Derek snorted, "They thought she was just a regular kid who had been in a car accident. They don't know just how special our princess is."

I smiled a little bit into Jen's shoulder.

"Grabbing someone when they first wake up is always a bad idea. Especially when they have been unconscious for a long period of time," Jason added quietly.

"How long was she out for?" asked Derek.

"About ten hours," said Jen with a sigh. "The tests were normal, just a slight concussion and probably some amnesia. The doctors are going to want to run more tests now that she's awake."

I was surprised; I didn't know that I had been unconscious so long. I was also anxious and a little bit angry. I didn't want to go anywhere with the doctors. I hate doctors and I hate hospitals.

A phone rang and Derek answered it. We could only hear his half of the conversation: "Baby Girl. Yes we're here. Yes Catherine woke up. No, she's not awake right now so you can't talk to her. Yes I will ask her to call you. No you don't need to come up -it's a six-hour drive Penelope. That's fine. Bye Mama."

"JJ we're going to check into a hotel alright? Do you need a room as well?" asked Aaron.

"No, I'm going to stay here for now," she replied.

"Call if you need anything. We'll be back later," Aaron said, as he was leaving.

Jason and Derek followed him out.

"Let's go Kid," Derek called out to Spencer from the door.

"I'll be along in a little while," he said.

I could hear three sets of footsteps walking away from my room. I could also hear Spencer when he rose from the chair. "You need to regulate your breathing more Kitty Cat if you want us to believe that you're actually asleep."

I opened my eyes and whispered, "Hi Spence."

"Can I sit down?" he asked, gesturing towards the end of the bed.

I looked at him for a moment, sizing him up before I nodded.

He sat down gently, being careful of my cast covered leg. When he placed his hand on the bed, halfway between us, I smiled and laced my fingers through his.

I felt safe wrapped up in Jen's arms, holding Spencer's hand and the room was quiet enough that I fell asleep for real. Jen woke me up with a whisper in my ear soon after. The doctor was standing just inside the doorway; Spencer had placed himself between the doctor and myself. I twitched a bit when I saw the doctor; he looked like my dad. Jen hugged me tighter while the doctor explained the tests that needed to be done; CT and MRI just to name a few. I started to cry when he told us that the pink hockey helmet I was wearing, during the crash, probably saved my life. That horrible hot pink sparkly helmet meant that I lived while my parents died. The guilt was overwhelming.

I refused to go anywhere unless Jen came with me; I shot Spencer a covert apologetic look.

He saw it, smiled at me and added in his two cent: "Did you know that if Catherine lived in Quebec, Canada, she would be allowed to make her own medical decisions because she is fourteen?"

The doctor was not happy but Jen insisted on accompanying me so he didn't really have a choice.

The rest of Jen's team was waiting for us when we got back to my room. Spencer was asleep in the chair next to the bed. He looked so young; I had to remind myself that he is only 23, just 9 years older than I am. Jen explained the latest test results to her team. The damage to my right leg was extensive: a compound fracture to my femur, with a risk of infection and a broken ankle. I also had a few dislocated and fractured ribs, as well as a fractured pelvis. It was now obvious why my body hurt so much. I would need surgery and then months of physiotherapy.

Jen's team stayed for the weekend, then they had to go back to work. I was sad to see Derek and Spencer leave. Penelope sent me flowers the next morning and every week after. She even came to visit with the rest of the team the following weekend for the funeral. The surgery went well and I needed to wear this annoying brace to keep my pelvis still so that it would heal properly. I was told that I wouldn't even get a walking cast until right before I was going home and that wouldn't be for another three weeks.

I was happy when I moved out of the ICU and into a regular room because this room came with a view of sorts, and more privacy. You could see trees outside the window and there was no window in the wall. It also had a bigger bed, so there was more space for Jen to lie down with me.

The funeral was difficult; Aaron actually bullied my doctor into letting me attend. My aunt Charlotte did most of the planning for the funeral because Jen was always at the hospital with me. I had started having panic attacks when Jen was gone for more than ten minutes. I know it was really tough on her to be constantly at my side. Penelope, Jen and I spent some time together talking about how Penelope also lost her parents in a car crash.

After the funeral, which I attended in a wheelchair, and the wake, Jen drove me back to the hospital. I was dozing in my room, Jen was down the hall, I wasn't happy but Spencer was keeping me company and that kept me mostly calm. The rest of the team went out buying dinner. There were two old ladies standing outside my room. I was trying to block out their voices because I desperately needed sleep but the sharp voice of Mrs. Muller rang in my ears. "First their oldest daughter Jessica dies and now their replacement child has gotten Mr. and Mrs. Jareau killed. If they had never had her, they would still be alive."

I started crying softly, and kept repeating, "Four, three, four, two."

Spencer wanted to know what was wrong and why were the numbers important, but I couldn't answer him. I just kept crying.

When Jen came back Spencer tried to explain what was wrong: "There were two ladies talking outside, I wasn't listening but Catherine started crying and she wont stop repeating the numbers."

Jen sighed in frustration. "I heard them Spence. They were saying that Catherine got our parents killed." She turned towards me, "It is not true. My baby sister did not get our parents killed."

"Why are the numbers important JJ?" asked Spence.

"It's the fluctuation of numbers of members in our family."

"I get the four and the two," said Spencer "but what about the three?"

Jen released another sigh and said shortly, "I had an older sister before Catherine was born. She died."

"Oh," he said. "How soon was Catherine born after your other sister died?" asked Spence.

"About eleven months," said Jen.

"Oh, so she probably wasn't a replacement child," said Spencer, "just an accident."

Jen gave a short laugh and said, "No, she was a replacement child for Jessica; we both know it. Catherine was born nine weeks early."

"Oh." Spencer blushed.

Then the subject was dropped. Jen climbed into bed with me and held me while I cried and Spencer went back to his books. I calmed down and was almost asleep when the team came back with dinner. I wasn't hungry but Jen wouldn't let me sleep until I ate something, so I did.

I had a few visitors from school and from my hockey team. I pushed myself to do homework. I know Jen didn't think it was important but schoolwork was the only thing that made sense in the mess that was our lives. I wanted to graduate as soon as possible. I was sure that if I were to be in university soon, it would be easier to live with Jen. I spoke with Spencer on the phone; he told me that if it was necessary, then I could apply for early graduation. I really liked that idea, but I wouldn't be able to finish all my grade twelve classes in time to graduate that June. We made plans for me to graduate in December and start University in January. Planning with Spencer was calming; it was something I could control.

Towards the end of February, the panic attacks slowed down. Jen could leave the room for an hour or so before I started getting worried. I wanted to go home, but I didn't know where home was anymore.

And in one little moment

It all implodes

But this isn't everything you are

Breathe deeply in the silence

No sudden moves

This isn't everything you are.

- Snow Patrol, This Isn't Everything You Are


	2. March

AN: This is a companion piece to Black Cat so you should probably read that before you read this.

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds, nor do I own Alice's Adventures in Wonderland or Snow Patrol.

And I can barely look at you

But every single time I do

I know we'll make it anywhere

Away from here.

- Snow Patrol, Run

March 2005:

Alice Catherine Jareau, seven years old, blonde hair blue eyes. Born June 21, 1990. Missing since June 21, 1997. Someone, probably my aunt, had penciled in Found December 21st 1997. I could hardly tear my eyes away from the flyer lying innocently just on top of the cardboard box. My stomach was rolling, I knew I shouldn't continue looking at it, but it was like a train wreck that no one can quite look away from. My name is Alice _Catherine_ Jareau. I haven't used the name Alice since I was 'found', it still hurts to use that name.

Jen has come back home for the weekend. Strauss let her have time off work while I was in the hospital but as soon I as I was released; Jen was called back in to work. I have never met her, but really don't like that lady. It is selfish, but I need my sister. Having my aunt Charlotte around is weird; she keeps asking me questions and she wont let me do anything by myself. I am fourteen years old and I am not broken. Jen knows that I don't want to talk, she doesn't push and she lets me take a shower by myself.

Today is March 19th, 2005. My older sister Jennifer and I are cleaning out our parent's attic and finishing packing up the house. Due to the cast on my leg Derek had to carry me up the stairs, it was a little embarrassing. The rest of Jen's team, Aaron Hotchner, Jason Gideon, Spencer Reid and Derek Morgan are clearing out the garage. Penelope Garcia is keeping our aunt Charlotte busy. Our parents died six weeks ago. I miss them so much, my heart feels like someone ripped it out of my chest and stomped on it, then replaced it inside me. I have been out of the hospital for just over a week and Jen has just come back home. Home: that word generates a stabbing pain in my chest. My breathing is ragged, I'm moving. I'm going to have a new home. My aunt wants me to move in with her and my cousin Tanya. Tanya is eighteen and hates me. I want to live with Jen.

Jen looks over at me when my breathing changes. She moves gracefully around the mess of boxes in the attic. When Jen sees what I can't tear my eyes away from tears fill her eyes and she picks up the offending piece of paper, folds it and puts it into her back pocket. A wave of relief washes over me as soon as I can no longer see the flyer. Jen kneels down to where I'm sitting on the floor; she hugs me close, rubbing my back. I wrap my arms around her middle, resting my head on her shoulder. When she pulls back, we are both more composed.

I whispered "Jen I can't live here anymore. It hurts too much."

She whispered back. "I know Kitty Cat, I can't stay here either."

As soon as we are finished with the boxes (most of it is going to Good Will), Jen goes down to get Derek. He carries me down the stairs to the kitchen on the main floor. It is time for lunch; my aunt Charlotte has made lasagna, salad and garlic bread. It is my favorite meal; I think my aunt is trying to suck up to me. The will reading is tomorrow. It would have been sooner but I was in the hospital and Jen was with me, then she was at work. I want to live with Jen.

March 20th 2005:

The team decided to wait for Jen and me at the hotel. We walked, or in my case crutched, into the office together. Mr. Brenner, our parent's lawyer, was sitting behind his desk. My aunt was sitting in one of the three available chairs. Jen and I nodded to her and she nodded back. Jen helped me to sit on the chair furthest away from my aunt and she sat down in the middle. Her message was clear to me: she was protecting me.

My aunt and I had a fight last night, I wanted Jen to sleep in my room and my aunt tried to make her leave, to go back to the hotel with the rest of the team. Jen was ready to give in just to keep the peace when I had a panic attack at the thought of her imminent departure. That settled the matter really quickly, my aunt cannot calm me down at all, and she knows it takes me hours to calm down on my own. She has seen it often enough this past week.

The will dictated that the house be sold and proceeds divided equally between my sister and I. Jen and I were to share our mother's jewelry and the rest of the estate. My mother left something for my aunt but I wasn't paying attention because the will also said that I was to live with my sister. I sighed in relief and Jen squeezed my hand. My aunt was not happy. She was downright furious. She spent a while yelling at Jen, the most common things being that her job was too dangerous and that she, at twenty-six was not old enough to take care of an accident-prone fourteen year old. I resent that remark. I am not accident-prone, all my injuries are sports related. It's not like a break toes in the bathtub or anything.

My aunt promised to take Jen to court to get custody of me if she had to. Then she signed the papers and stormed out. Jen and I also signed the documents, and then we walked out slowly. We hugged tightly once we were outside and I put on my headphones and pulled out a book. I can't get into a car without panicking but we needed to go to the restaurant to meet the team. The distractions of music and a book were the only thing that could get me anywhere near a car. Even then, every truck we pass causes flashbacks and I can feel the desire to panic rising inside me.

I climbed out of the car as fast as possible once we got to the restaurant. Jen stayed close, blocking me from the view of passers by, but not touching me. Once I had calmed down, Jen hugged me gently and we made our way to the door, schooling our faces until we wouldn't give anything away. We sat down at the big table with Spencer on my right and Jen on my left.

"How did it go?" asked Spencer.

Jen smiled at the team but looked at me when she said, "I need a bigger apartment."

My grin was wide and I wanted to throw myself at her. Luckily for her, I have more restraint then that in public. The team was very happy for us. For dessert Derek bought me ice cream and Penelope bought Jen a piece of chocolate cake. Spencer whispered to me that my gift from him was back in the hotel. Spencer's gift it turns out was a book, Dante's _The Divine Comedy,_ and a letter of recommendation for my college application.

After dinner, Jen's team went back to the hotel and Jen and I went home to an almost empty house. We got ready for bed in separate rooms, and then Jen came to my room to sleep. It was the only room left in the house with a bed. When I stood up and reached out my arms to hug my sister goodnight, my long sleeved shirt rose just high enough for Jen to see something red on it.

"What is that!" she demanded, grabbing my wrist.

I tried to back away but her hold was too tight and I was too unsteady on my feet. She pulled up my shirtsleeve and looked hard at my wrist for a long time. Then she grabbed the other wrist and pushed up that sleeve as well. On my left wrist written in red ink were the numbers 4,3,4,2 and on my right wrist was just the number 2. I stayed silent.

"Catherine," she said in her mom voice, "I'm waiting for an answer."

I stayed silent and tried to back away. But Jen's grip was too tight. She tried a different tactic; with one finger she raised my chin until I had no choice but to look at her. "Kitty Cat-" she started.

"Four, three, four two. Were the only ones left Jen, I can't lose you too." I whispered, cutting off whatever she was about to say.

Understanding and acceptance were evident in her eyes. She hugged me gently. "You won't lose me."

The next morning was Monday and we drove back to Quantico. I fell asleep in the SUV: I blame exhaustion. I also blame exhaustion for me waking up screaming from a nightmare about the accident. Jen has to pull over because I couldn't stop panicking and screaming. She got out of the car and opened the back door; Spence turned around in his seat. I don't remember him moving, it must have been while I was asleep. Normally, I don't make any noise… well, no real noises, I can't consciously scream. Jen says sometimes I talk. I don't remember what I say afterward.

Jen fluttering around me isn't helping, neither is Spencer's staring. I just want to be anywhere besides stuck in a car on the edge of the service road. What if someone pulls over to check on us? My breathing is becoming more and more erratic. I know that Jen and Spence are there but all I can see is my daddy with blood covering his face and my mama is crying. I can hear her. I look down at my leg and I can see the bone sticking out my leg. _It's not real, it's not real, it is not real!_ _I think I'm going to be sick._

I could hear Jen calling my name, trying to get my attention. She was telling me that everything is going to be okay but I was trapped in my memories. I could hear my mama calling for my daddy. _I think I'm going to be sick._ Following the sound of Jen's voice, I wrenched myself out of the nightmare and I pushed Jen away from the door and threw up on the ground. I barely missed Jen's shoes.

After the panic attack, I was really embarrassed. I knew that the whole team saw me, or at least knew what was going on. But throwing up worked wonders, I was able to gain a semblance of control and we continued on our way. The trip back took longer than expected, what was supposed to be six hours long ended up being closer to nine. Aaron, Jason, Morgan and Penelope ended up continuing on ahead after my first panic attack. It would be easier to explain to Strauss why only two of her agents were missing rather than the whole team and their technical analyst. When we finally arrived around three, Jen checked me in as a visitor, and then she left me in her office with my schoolbooks to go check in with Aaron.

For the next week I stayed with Jen in her one bedroom apartment and we searched online for a two-bedroom apartment or condo. When a new case came up, I stayed with Penelope. In fact, the next case the team went on, Gideon underestimated the unsub and six agents were killed. It was horrible, and all over the news. I felt really bad for him and for the six agents who died. I didn't see Jason Gideon again until September.

We're lost 'til we learn how to ask

So please, please just ask.

- Snow Patrol, In The End


	3. May

AN: I hate plot holes. So when I logged in yesterday morning to upload my next chapter, June, I realized that I had skipped something important. So here is May, enjoy :)

Please read and review.

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds nor I own the information on Celtic colours/symbols.

An older sister is a friend and defender - a listener, conspirator, a counselor and a sharer of delights. And sorrows too.  
- Pam Brown

May 2005

Spence and I were right: I cannot finish all of my grade twelve classes in time to graduate this June. I will have four classes left, one semester. Jen has found me a new school to start at in September but for now, I'm doing all my courses by correspondence. If I'm lucky, I can continue to be 'home schooled' this summer and then I can take two summer class exams. This means that I will have only two classes to take in the fall and I can do some pre-university courses and have early admittance to University. Spence was telling me that some of the high schools and universities here let you do that. I think it's really neat.

Right now Jen and I are driving up to Valencia for Memorial Day weekend. We're going to see mama and daddy and Jessie's graves. I am grateful that Jen said we could stay in a hotel. I don't want to stay with Aunt Charlotte and Tanya. My custody hearing won't be until August. I hope Jen doesn't have a case then. I'm pretty sure Aaron would let her take a few days off if necessary. Still, it would look really bad if she didn't show up to court, even if she is in the FBI.

We're almost a month late for visiting. Jen and I wanted to be here for the May 1st weekend but the team had a case. I waited until Penelope was asleep and then I lit the three white candles on my own: one candle for Jessie, one candle for Jenny and one candle for me. Jen even let me use the three candlesticks she made for Jessie. I also lit two red candles for our parents; red is the Celtic colour of death.

I am quite sure that Jen did the same thing, three candles for three sisters and a pair for our parents. I'm also sure that Jenny has been lighting candles for our parents every night since they died. I think it reminds her of losing Jessie. The sister I never knew because I am her replacement.

I am beginning to think that maybe I never really knew my parents very well; Jenny knew them before they were broken. It's hard not to be a little jealous. Logically, I can't be angry with Jessie for breaking them with her suicide, but I am, just a little bit. I wonder what life would have been like if Jessie had lived, I would have been the youngest of three and my parents would not have been devastated by Jessie's death. I think it might have been an idyllic life, but that is not what happened.

Jessie committed suicide a week before her sixteenth birthday, the day after Jen's eleventh birthday. She broke my parents and she almost broke Jen. I am angry with her, it is irrational, but it is what I feel right now and Jen is always telling me that feeling something is never wrong, as long as you don't act on your feelings. You're not supposed to let them cloud your mind, your logic.

I also blame my parents, not for the car crash, not dying, that wasn't their fault. I blame them for my existence. I blame them for creating me so that they could heal. I was supposed to be perfect for them; I was supposed to heal them. That was the reason for my existence. What gave them that right? When I was little, I thought it was normal for my mama to spend days in bed crying. I also thought it was normal for my daddy to lock himself away in the garage or his office. He drowned himself in his work.

Don't get me wrong, they doted on me when they were aware enough to, but Jenny raised me until I was five. She was the one who got me ready in the mornings, who read poems to me at night and made sure I could read some basic words by the time I was three. She taught me to be self-sufficient.

Jenny raised herself after Jessie died and my parents broke. She was and is an amazing soccer player, that's how she got away. She won an athletic scholarship, a full ride to the University of Pittsburg. I remember going to all of her soccer practices and games. Not because my parents were there, supporting her, but because Jenny didn't want to leave me home alone with a mother who couldn't even get out of bed to feed me lunch. Jen used to run home after school before practice and bring me back with her. The coach just considered it Jen's version of warm up laps around the soccer field that the rest of the team had to do.

The year before Jenny left for University, my mama actually stepped up. She started home schooling me. I flew through every test she gave me, this seemed to give her new life and for two years, everything was as close to perfect as it was going to get. I still went to Jenny's soccer games and practices but she didn't have to take me to her study groups. She could leave me home with mama and know that I was going to be fed.

If I'm going to blame Jessie and my parents, then I need to blame myself as well. My best friend Beth and I were kidnapped when we were seven; it irrevocably ruined any progress that my parents had gained. I did not blame Jenny then and I do not blame her now. I know that she needed to get away, to be her own person.

It's funny and sad at the same time. The person who has been hurt the most, Jenny, is undeniably blameless. She did not kill her sister, she did not break my parents and she did not kidnap me. She was the innocent in all of this, and yet, I think that everything that has happened hit her the hardest. She lost her parents the same day she lost Jessie. Then I came along, a replacement to her beloved big sister, it must have been devastating. If I didn't know her so well, I would think it was surprising that she didn't torture me when I was little.

The drive takes seven hours instead of the expected six. I only have one major panic attack. I know that Jen is trying to stay as far away from trucks as possible but sometimes it just isn't possible. I wish Spence could have come with us; I am always calmer with both him and Jen in the car. He is visiting his mum in Las Vegas this weekend; he hasn't seen her in months.

When we arrive we lite the candles at the graves. Mama and a daddy have a weeping willow and three tiny animals on their shared gravestone. It seems oddly fitting for them to have a bird, a butterfly and a cat. Jenny is the butterfly and I am the cat. I doubt Aunt Charlotte would have thought to add them it must have been Jen. I just don't know when she would have had the time. Our parents are buried next to our sister. The bird on my parent's gravestone is identical to the one on Jessie's.


	4. June

AN: Please read and review.

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds nor do I own Yeats' poem _The Stolen Child._

I am not a problem to be fixed, but a work in progress.

- Kat, Higher Ground

June 21st, 2005:

12:00 am

I am lying in bed, looking out the window when I hear footsteps in the hallway. It's Jen. She knocks softly on my bedroom doorframe to get my attention, "Happy Birthday Kitty Cat."

I roll over and look at my sister with a smile on my face, "Thanks Jen."

"You ready?" She asks me.

I nod twice, "Yes."

She waves me over to her, "Come on then."

I climb out of bed slowly; I don't want Jen to think that I'm overly excited, or that I was worried she wouldn't continue our tradition. I shouldn't have worried; Jen is the best big sister ever.

I follow her into the living room; she's got my present set out on the table. I look around for the candles and I don't see them. I am momentarily puzzled but Jen sees my confusion, "Don't worry about the candles, they're over by the window."

My relief must be evident on my face because Jen moves closer to me and opens her arms. I step into her waiting arms and hug my sister tightly. "Love you Jenny."

She kisses the top of my head, "I love you too silly."

"Jen?" I ask quietly.

"Yes?" she responds.

I fidget nervously, "Can I wait to open your present until tonight?"

"Of course, if that's what you want to do. It is your birthday." She smiles down at me, "What would you like to do instead?"  
"Can we just light the candles and-" I stop myself.  
"And what?" She prompts.

"Will you read to me after? When we go to bed?" I can feel myself blushing. I hate sounding childish, but I really miss listening to Jen read. Her voice has this amazing calming effect.

Her arms tighten around me, "Sure. You know you can ask me to read to you more often Catherine. I like reading aloud."

I smile up at her, "You'll make a great mom one day Jen."

We light the candles by the window, two red for mama and daddy and three white, one for Jessie, one for Jenny and one for me. We stand at the window, wrapped in each other's arms for a long while. Saying good night to our family silently. Then we blow out the candles and walk towards Jen's bedroom.

"What would you like to hear tonight?" She asks me.

I look up at her, "Yeats' _The Stolen Child_ first please Jen, it is tradition after all. Then you can read whatever you want to read. Is that okay?"

"You're right, it is tradition and it's perfect."

We climb into Jen's bed and I fall asleep to the sound of my sister's voice as she recites the poem from memory:

Come away, O human child!

To the waters and the wild

With a faery, hand in hand,

For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.

8:00 am

This year, my birthday falls on a Tuesday. I am very lucky that the team doesn't have a case right now. Derek has decided that the entire team should celebrate my birthday by going to Six Flags. Jason isn't coming but he sent me his apologies and a beautiful black cat charm for my bracelet. Aaron is driving his car, with Haley sitting up front in the passenger seat. Haley is nice enough I suppose, I don't know her very well and seeing her pregnant belly reminds me that my parents are gone. I wonder if looking at her reminds Jen of what we have lost. Derek is driving Jen's SUV, Penelope is sitting up front with him. I am sitting in the back with Jen and Spencer flanking me. Derek told me that he wants this day to be perfect, so he banned Spencer from spouting off any facts about amusement park injuries or deaths. Poor Spencer is going to have such a hard time keeping his mouth shut.

The nausea comes in waves, rolling over me. My head hurts so much; it is hard to think about anything other than the panic welling up inside me. Spencer sitting with me in the back of the van helps a lot. I know that I am crushing his hand in mine but he doesn't seem to mind, his chatter keeps my mind off of the road. All in all, the car ride was bad but not as bad as it could have been. I didn't have a panic attack but it took a good fifteen minutes for me to calm down once I got out of the vehicle.

Even though I am panicking, my hyper-vigilance lets me know that Haley and Aaron have gone to buy tickets. I can hear Penelope and Derek flirting, they are standing about five feet away, at the end of the van, blocking my shaking form from view. Jen is sitting next to me on the edge of the van floor; not touching me. Spencer is standing just out of arms' reach, wringing his hands. If I weren't so stressed, I would probably be laughing at him.

9:00 am

Jen has insisted that we bring my wheelchair. I am not impressed. I know that my broken bones are not perfectly healed yet but I want to walk. Derek interrupts us before we can have another mini argument about the wheelchair and scoops me up in his arms, carrying me away. Problem solved. I laugh at the look on Jen's face. I can see everyone else is smiling. The line for the park is long but it moves quickly and within thirty minutes we are past security and have a map of the park. Spencer has already memorized it completely but Jen wont let him throw out the map.

10:00 am

We've been in line for what seems like forever but in reality is only 33 minutes. Derek finally put me down, on Jen's insistence, but I'm not standing in line, I'm sitting on the dividing railing. I have never been to a real amusement park before, just the harvest fair that comes by Valencia every year so I have every intention of my legs lasting all day. Haley is too pregnant to go on the rides safely but Aaron has agreed to ride a few with us so that we will be an even six. Roar from Skull Island is his favorite so we're going to have to ride that one a few times.

1:00 pm

We've been on 3 different rides now, and I'm hungry. I haven't said anything because I know Derek is also hungry; he's been eyeing the food for the past half hour, when Haley and Aaron leave to eat lunch. Derek finally gives in, and asks is anyone else is hungry; this is what I've been waiting for, "I want ice cream."

"No way, you're going to have a real lunch first," says Jen.

At the same time Penny says, "That is a great idea Kitty Cat."

They both look at each other, eyebrows raised, and Derek laughs. Spencer doesn't say anything about lunch; he is too busy eyeing the magician set up on the next corner. I poke him with my cane, "Spence, are you hungry?"

"What?" He looks confused for a moment before it passes, "Oh. Yes, I am hungry."

We walk over to the picnic grounds where Aaron and Haley are sitting on a picnic blanket; they have saved enough space for everyone in the shade of a large oak tree. Haley pulls out water, lemonade, sandwiches and apples. After lunch, Spencer tries out some of the tricks the magician was doing earlier. They seemed to work, my favorites are the card tricks.

Penelope and I wander off in search of ice cream, Jen follows behind us like a mother duck watching her ducklings. Penny and I find an ice cream vendor and order: Chocolate for Penelope and Vanilla with Maple candy for me. "Jen!" I turn around to face my sister, "my ice cream tastes like marshmallow fluff!"

"Gross!" she exclaims.

"No," I correct her, "Yummy!" I try to get Jen to try a mouthful by shoving the spoon in her face. She keeps her mouth closed and dodges my attempts, Penelope laughs at our antics.

2:00 pm

My legs are sore but I refuse to use my wheelchair, so Spencer is carrying me. I feel so very tall sitting on his back. We ride the ROAR twice with Aaron. Haley says something to him about bringing the baby here when he or she is old enough. Aaron has a dopey look on his face. Seeing Aaron kiss Haley is like watching my parents kiss, weird and uncomfortable. Oh there it is again, that stabbing pain I feel whenever I think about my mama and daddy. I miss them so much.

Everyone brought bathing suits so we're going to spend a few hours at the waterpark. I love swimming and it will be fun to tease Spence, he doesn't like getting wet.

6:00 pm

Derek and Spence take turns carrying me around because my legs are too tired to hold me up. We are all tired out from the water park when we stop for dinner. Haley and Aaron are going to leave after supper. Haley has been riding around in my wheelchair since the waterpark. She looks worn out. She didn't do much at the waterpark, just stuck her feet in the pool. I feel a little guilty that she's been stuck here all day, she can't go on any of the rides, and it must be rather boring.

After dinner, before we go back to the rides, Jen pulls me aside and presents me with a tiny red velvet cupcake. It has an even tinier black cat, made out of icing, laying on it. I can hardly wait for Jen's birthday; I know just what to put on her cupcake, a butterfly.

9:00 pm

There will be fireworks at ten tonight. I want to stay. Jen doesn't want to because the team has to go back to work tomorrow.

"Catherine!" she says, the warning clear in her voice.

"Jennifer!" I reply teasingly.

She scowls at me and I laugh unrepentantly from my place on Derek's back. Smart boy, he doesn't take sides. It was Derek's idea to have my birthday at Six Flags and it was also his idea for me to have more sugar. Penelope is laughing quietly into her hand and Spencer is off stalking that magician again. Jen gives in, partly because she wants to see the fireworks and partly because we can't find Spence. We can't leave without him, Spence would be stranded here and Aaron would not be impressed.

10:00 pm

Spence finally shows up right before the fireworks with no explanation as to where he has been for the past fifty-five minutes. Jen is not impressed but I can see how excited he is so I don't push, but I do require a piggyback ride while we wait for the fireworks. Derek and Penelope picked out a good spot for us, by a railing so that I don't have to stand or sit in the horrible wheelchair, not that I would. The fireworks are gorgeous. I love watching them; even flinching at every single loud pop doesn't diminish my adoration.

11:00 pm

We drop Penelope off first, then Derek. Spence is coming home with Jen and me. I fell asleep in the SUV: I blame exhaustion. I am too tired to care or be panicked when Spencer carries me into the apartment. Jen holds the front door open for us and then she opens my bedroom door. There is something small, black and furry sleeping on my pillow. It takes my sleep-addled brain a moment to connect the dots. It is a kitten with a little red bow around its neck. I hug Spencer tightly; I know the kitten is from him without him having to say anything.

"A kitten! Thank you Spence" I whisper into his shoulder.

He kisses the top of my head, "You are most welcome Kitty Cat."

"What are you going to name her?" asks Jen.

I look at Spencer, "what kind of cat is she?"

"She's a Kellas cat, native to Scotland." He takes a deep breath, and is about to continue but I stop him by kissing his cheek. He's blushing again.

"Thank you Spence." I turn to Jen "Her name is Una."

"Spanish?" she questions me.

"No," I smile, "Celtic."

"What does it mean?" she asks.

"Spencer do you know what it means?" I tease.

He chortles, "It means lamb."

Jen raises one eyebrow and laughs.

I defend my choice of name, "What? I think it fits perfectly."

"For the first time in so long, I feel like I can breathe."

- Scott, Higher Ground


	5. December

AN: Final instalment (for now) of The Accident, enjoy :)

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds.

Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness.

- James Thurber

December 19th 2005, Graduation

The balding man at the microphone calls out the next name, "Alice Catherine Jareau."

That name makes me cringe but I rise from my chair and walk slowly towards the front of the stage. I hate crowds and I hate being stared at. _Breathe Catherine, just breathe. Everything is going to be okay. You just need to walk across the stage and take the diploma. Then you can leave. I'm talking to myself again; this is not a good sign._ I can see Jen sitting in the audience with Spencer, Derek and Penelope. Aaron gave them the afternoon off to see me graduate. Aaron, Haley and Jason are supposed to meet us later for dinner.

The small graduation ceremony is being held for all the students who are graduating early, or late as the case may be. I don't really know anyone that I am graduating with because I was only attending for a few months. I've been taking my last two grade twelve classes here as well as a few classes that are offered by the local University.

Even though my aunt fought it, Jen got custody of me after our parents died. Not having to live with my aunt Charlotte and cousin Tanya is something I am grateful for everyday. I moved into Jen's old apartment last April. I finished my courses by correspondence. Jen and I went apartment hunting and we found a nice small two-bedroom place close to my new school. I'm not going to live on campus, at least right now, Jen says I'm too young and I agree with her. Penelope lets me stay over at her apartment when the team is away. It's not as close to school as where I live with Jen but I can take a bus.

I smile at the principal and hold my breath while I shake her hand. I stand still as she moves the tassel on my hat to the other side. We turn to the audience and smile for the cameras. I can see Jen in the audience, she's crying. As I walk back to my seat, I release the breath that I have been holding. It is finally over, I've graduated. _I wonder what my mama and daddy would think, would they be proud of me? Would my mama be crying like Jen? Would my daddy have a silly grin on his face like Derek? Stop thinking._ Okay, I'm good now.

All of the students, including myself, file off the stage and return our white gowns to the awaiting staff. I duck away quickly, trying to get a moment to myself to process everything but there is nowhere to hide. I give up and start looking for Spencer; his tall lanky frame will be the easiest for me to find in such a large crowd of families. There he is. I'm smiling now; I can see my family, Jen, Spencer, Penelope and Derek waving at me.

Oddly enough, Derek reaches me before anyone else; he picks me up and spins me around in a circle. I hold onto him very tightly, trying not to laugh at how silly he can be. Penelope reaches me next, "Kitty Cat!" she shrieks, she looks like she wants to pick me up and I back away with a grin on my face. She settles for a huge, bone-crushing hug.

When Penelope finally lets me go, I notice that Jen is still crying. I'm rather worried about her. With her arms wrapped around me, she assures me that they are happy tears, "I am so very proud of you. I know that mama and daddy are as well." She whispers in my ear.

"Thanks Jen," I whisper back "now you're going to make me cry too."

Spencer is hanging back, as if he is unsure of himself. It is cute in that awkward kind of way. He's brought me flowers, miniature yellow, pink and white roses. I want to laugh at his nervous face but that would be cruel, instead I take the offered flowers. "Thank you Spence," I say with a smile. I know he doesn't like to be touched, especially when he's nervous, but I can't resist. I hand my flowers off to Jen and throw myself at Spencer. He catches me with a bewildered expression on his face. This time I do laugh, "They're beautiful, I love them."

"Damn, I should have brought the Princess flowers," said Derek.

Penelope laughs at him "You did hot stuff, they're waiting for Catherine back at the apartment."

"Thanks baby girl." He answers lightly.

When we finally reach the restaurant, it is past six o'clock. It took two hours to get here because of traffic. I'm so nervous I feel like I'm going to throw up; at the same time, I'm so relieved to get out of the car that I'm actually considering kissing the pavement. Jen waits with me while I calm down and the others go inside to see Aaron, Haley and Jason.

Dinner is wonderful. The food is great, but being surrounded by my family and Haley and little baby Jack is better than anything else in the world. When talk turns to the upcoming holidays, I learn that Derek is going home to visit his mother and sisters, Jason is going to his cabin in the woods and Aaron, Haley and Jack are going to spend time with Haley's sister out of State. When the team learns that Spencer is not going home to Las Vegas this year, it is immediately decided that he is going to spend Christmas with Jen and me. Penelope already had plans to join us.

I start school again in a few weeks and I am so excited. I am so happy to be finished with high school; I never have to go back again. I just want to forget everything that has happened in the past year. I miss my parents, but I am so very grateful to be living with Jen and that I can count her team among my family.

On ne voit bien qu'avec le coeur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux.

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly. The essential is invisible to the eyes.

- Antoine de Saint Exupery

AN: There will be another companion piece coming soon. It will be called Meeting Emily Prentiss.


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